oh grace.

"I don't forgive you because you've forgiven me, I forgive you because Christ's forgiven me."
Those words were spoken at the end of a heavy conversation between me and my best friend today.
I felt there weight when they were spoken.
Those words hold a powerful truth,
I in myself do not have an ounce of grace to extend. My heart cries out for justice,
I want payment, I want revenge, I want resolve. In my heart I want closure, I want what I deserve to get. Grace is surrendering all that and offering out love instead of anger, love instead of bitterness, love instead of hatred, love instead of violence.

My heart is incapable of grace on its own,
It is an depleted storage of love when it's not being filled up by another. So how could I love on my own when I do not receive love from another. I simply can't give what I'm not receiving. But the joy is that although I'm not receiving love from a horizontal source I can receive it from a vertical one.

With God as my source, my love storage is no longer depleted but at capacity. With the love of others it overflows, but when that love ceases to flow, I know that I remain satisfied in the love I know through Christ.

It is then that I can expend grace.    

The Art of Need &The Disease of Sufficiency

Let’s face it, we hate needing anything. From as early as we develop our ability to do something on our own, we often hate depending on others to help us. I remember quite clearly wanted to button up my own jacket, tie my own shoes, often revolting in my childish protest of “I can do it myself!” How about the times I couldn’t do it myself, the times I failed? Well, it would be a humbling moment where I would sheepishly swallow my pride and in defeat ask “can you help me with this?” The funny thing is we often would like to think we have outgrown such childish tendencies, but have we really? I think we let people help us out of kindness often. We don’t mind letting people help us when we know we could probably get along without them, we give them an opportunity to bless us because we know it feels good to help people, but we hate the feeling of need. When we need someone else, truly and desperately, we feel embarrassed. We hate needing anyone.  But the reality is, need is a beautiful thing.  Only in need are we truly vulnerable, truly bare. Only in need can we truly love. Think of the love that exists between a child and parents, the need of a frightened child to return to the arms of his parents, that’s ‘Need-Love’.  C.S. Lewis describes Need-Love as essential, that in reality we all need one another, we are created to be in relationship after all. He continues to describe that failure to see our need for ‘Need- Love’ and  the misleading feeling that we are not in need of anyone as a “bad spiritual symptom; just as lack of appetite is a bad medical symptom because men do really need food.”  We are not sufficient on our own, but man do we love to act like we are. Often times we approach God in the same manner, we position our lives so we don’t really need God, cause heaven forbid we would ever be in a place where we needed to depend on God daily, right? Yeah that was sarcastic, but seriously, I find that I do that in my life often. I often pray selfish prayers where I want God to give me answers, like a road map or a 5 year plan so that I won’t need him.  Because if we’re honest with ourselves the idea of stepping out day by day, relying on him moment by moment is terrifying, but beautiful at the same time.  Needing God is a beautiful thing, when we need Him we run to Him, we cling to Him and we are in that moment able to abide in Him, just like a frightened child. C.S. Lewis continues to say that: “Man approaches God most nearly when he is in one sense least like God. For what can be more unlike than fullness and need, sovereignty and humility, righteousness and penitence, limitless power and a cry for help?” I can look back on my life and see the moments I needed God the most, the moments I approached his throne as a humbled beggar, the moments I fell on my knees and cried out desperately to Him, were the moments I found myself nearest to His heart, most satisfied in Him. God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in Him, but we will never be satisfied in Him if we think or we act like we can be satisfied without Him. If we build our lives, our families, our ministries and our churches, in such a way where we are sufficient and seem to lack nothing, we are bringing on disease to ourselves. We must recognize the gravity of this. As foolish as a patient with chronic heart condition who fails to see a need for daily treatment, are we when we fail to see our hearts’ spiritual chronic condition and seek its treatment. The result is deadly in both, arguably more for the latter. We must see our need.  Our hearts need daily treatment, they are desperately sick yet tragically too proud to admit it. Our need for God, like a child’s need for their parent doesn’t center around the good of the parent, but rather that of the child; drawing nearer to God results in our ultimate good. The truth is we desperately need God; so we need to stop trying to get our lives, our families, our ministries, our churches, to a place where we don’t. We need to stop seeing God showing up as a bonus and see it for what it is, Essential.

Therefore, brothers,since we have confidence to enter the holy places by the blood of Jesus,by the new and living way that he opened for us through the curtain, that is, through his flesh, and since we have a great priest over the house of God, let us draw near with a true heart in full assurance of faith, with our hearts sprinkled clean from an evil conscience and our bodies washed with pure water. Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who promised is faithful.

Hebrews 10: 19 -23

The Shore of Promises

I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.

-  robert frost, the road not taken

Far too often do our lips trace words reflecting our desire for God to lead us, yet our hearts are merely conditionally on board. If we were honest with ourselves, our prayers would sound like this: “Lord lead me, and I will follow you, as long as it’s where I want to go.” Truthfully, when the Lord leads us in an uncomfortable direction, we often ignore His guidance and continue onwards towards our desired path. This often is a huge mistake because God’s plans are greater than our own, His ways and His timing are far more superior to ours and so when we take the route of disobedience we are essentially making the inferior choice whether or not it is evident to us at that very moment. God repeatedly lead His people to places they do not want to go - take Abraham standing in front of an altar sacrificing his son Isaac, or Joseph in an Egyptian jail cell after being wrongly convicted - we do not always understand why God places us where He does. But the beautiful thing is we do not have to understand why He is leading us there, to trust Him. God has good things in store for His children, and likewise God promised good things to Abraham and Joseph as well. God promised Abraham that he would have descendants more numerous than the stars and God promised Joseph through his dreams that he would one day rule over his brothers. I can imagine that while Abraham was at the altar, ready to sacrifice his only blood heir, he was starting to doubt how God would fulfill His promise. Nonetheless, he was obedient and through that, the Lord spared Isaac’s life and made him the father of a great nation. Joseph, I can assume, may have been reconsidering the validity of his dreams as he found himself in prison for years and a slave rather than a ruler, but God made a way for his dreams to hold true. Joseph would become second in command in the Nation of Egypt and would save the nation from famine. All this to say, God has really been teaching me to follow Him in all seasons, especially when He leads me somewhere I do not want to go.

In the New Testament, Jesus, the Son of God, continues this pattern for those who would follow Him. The story of the rich young ruler concludes in a way that makes me cringe each time I imagine myself in the position of this eager, successful, twenty-something young man, brimming with enthusiasm. “Good teacher, what must I do to inherit eternal life?” What an honorable request. It begins safe, with a collection of commandments posed as a measuring stick for righteousness, but then Jesus looks at him with love, “One thing you lack, sell everything you have and give it to the poor and you will have treasure in heaven, and come follow me.” In love, Jesus told him to trade his tarnishing pursuits for eternal possessions, in love Jesus invited him into the relationship he was created for, in love He instructed him to remove every hindrance to that pursuit. But, it didn’t make sense, it wasn’t what he wanted to hear. In love, the young man went away sad; love, not for Jesus, not even for himself, but love for the fading standard of the world. This story, unlike the two previous examples, sketches out a path of disobedience – that we loose out when we choose the road more traveled by.

  Recently God placed a really precious gift in my hands. It was a gift He had promised yet it was much better than I had ever expected that I would one day behold. The gift was more than I could have asked for and it warmed my heart in a way which words fail to express. This was a gift I had been waiting for, a gift God had promised, but soon after it was placed in my hands, God was leading me to put it down, and I did not want to. It did not make sense to me as to how God would fulfill His promise of giving me this gift if He wanted me to put it down, it seemed counter-intuitive, but so does sacrificing your heir, being locked up in prison, and selling all of your possessions. But this is what I trust; I trust that God’s plans are not our plans, and He is able to fulfill promises He makes even if where He is leading us seems to suggest otherwise. He is far above our frame of reference; He is able to weave together circumstances in a way that beautifully fulfills His promises in a way that is most glorifying to Him. This is where my hope lies, that in the calm and in the storm, I will follow Him and He will lead me to the shore of His promises.

And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28

Better then Bridges & Rubies

When you hear the words “Gold Rush” what come to mind? I mean I am not history major but I know that it involves a whole lot of people picking up their lives and moving them to a place in hopes of striking Gold but at a large violent stampede scale, kind of like 50% off sales at those crazy expensive, a little more reasonable but still expensive at 50% stores.  Either way, when people are seeking something of worth, it’s not usually a slow leisurely stroll, it’s usually a rush, a stampede, a “GET OUT OF THE WAY, WORLD!” - kinda hunt down. In my mind that is what seeking boils down to, relentless, driving desire for something that’s of worth.

 Proverbs 2: 4-6 in regards to wisdom says:

“and if you look for it as for silver and search for it as for hidden treasure,  then you will understand the fear of the Lord and find the knowledge of God  For the Lord gives wisdom;  from his mouth come knowledge and understanding.”  The picture he paints here is very similar to the one I drew earlier, seeking for treasure, looking for silver. But when it comes to wisdom, when it comes to pressing in, to digging deeper into God’s word, into his presence, tapping in to his wisdom and direction, you don’t see people running, arms flapping trying rushing in. Why is that? I asked myself that yesterday, looking at my own life, often days I am way more excited about anything else then spending time with God. I am more excited about getting my morning drink or seeing a familiar face then I am about being still and spending time with God. So looking at my life I have come up with two possible explanations. 

The first: The bridge analogy: So to give some context there is this bridge in Guelph and it is hands down my favorite place, I have been to it more times than I could possible count and just walking  across it seeing its complexly beautiful wooden structure gives me an inexplicable calm and joy. I can’t explain it but its where I would always go, it used to be fairly far away, I would drive the distance  frequently, just so I can stand on it and watch the beautiful river on either side, and just find a sense of happiness that no other earthly place has provided me. This year, I live steps away from the bridge, and I was beyond excited at first. But now days will go by as I step out of my house look out and see the bridge literally steps away but decided that I don’t have time or that the weather is kinda gross. And then the days I do go on the bridge, I am just so overwhelmed with, “WHY DON’T I DO THIS EVERYDAY.” It’s like I’ve forgotten the beauty that is so easily accessible to me now, like I have taken it for granted because now I don’t have to drive from the other side of Guelph and park.  It’s crazy, but I feel like that’s what we do sometimes with God. It’s like we forget the peace he brings us, the joy the love we feel. We are sitting steps away hurting, anxious or depressed thinking, man I don’t have time for this. BUT YOU DO. Man if someone said to you, “You know what will make you less anxious? or happy? or peaceful? It worked for me , no seriously it’s amazing you gotta try it”  You would be, shaking the answer out of them. But the funny thing is if they gave you this long set of instructions to get some kinda product, you might actually be willing to do that than just SIT STILL and spend time with God. Crazy isn’t it? Kinda blows my mind a little bit. But then we spend time with God and we’re like… WHY DIDN’T I DO THIS EARLIER! Well that’s the Bridge analogy.

The second is the Batman analogy. Rebekah, a wise friend of mine shared this analogy, she quoted the scene from Batman where Alfred is sharing a story about how a bandit had stolen precious stones from the local government but had been throwing them away . Alfred says : “One day I saw a child playing with a ruby the size of a tangerine.” I thought that image was so captivating; a child who in his hands holds something that was worth millions, but to him was just a simple toy, probably not even his favorite, just something he liked picking up from time to time and rolling around.  How many of us over look or underestimate the worth of the word of God, the presence of God, the wisdom God gives us. Proverbs 3:14-15 “Wisdom is worth more than silver; it brings more profit than gold. Wisdom is more precious than rubies; nothing you could want is equal to it.”

 Man, sometimes, we’re just playing with rubies without recognizing their worth. If we know God, not know of God, KNOW God.  We are not Christ's fans because we actually know him, we are his followers.  Therefore, in knowing God we should know His Love, His Grace and His Peace. We should be looking rushing in, seeking to spend time with him. Having the “GET OUT OF THE WAY, WORLD!” kind of attitude and recognizing that we are chasing after something that’s of worth. 

Led not Driven

"Your very driven" one of my friends just said to me. "Nah, I said, I'm just very led" 

 I responded almost immediately but after I said it I really realized how true that really is. I am one of the least motivated people to do anything really, I can stay in bed all day unless I have something pressing enough to get me out of bed. There are days where I will just not eat for hours because I'm too lazy to get up and get food, well until my stomach starts growling at me. But yet people look at my life and what I've accomplished as of late and say "man how did you manage to do all this" The thing is.. I didn't. I would be lying if I tried to take credit for something that is so evidently not mine to take. I couldn't do this, not even if I tried with every ounce of strength could I accomplish half of what I've seen happen in my life lately.

I mean, lets look at Love For The Streets for example ( www.loveforthestreets.org ) check it out if you don't have a clue about what I'm talking about. This is a movement that has continued to spread like rapid fire each week in a way I would have never expected. It started off with a simple vision, a simple wish that God put on my heart, to be friends with the homeless. So I stepped out into the streets of Hamilton with a couple friends, and we decided, Hey, this is something we could do, just come out here every other week with some gift bags. But MAN, it has grown so much bigger then that, and its not stopping. We bring a group of people up from Guelph and Hamilton, just university students with a desire to reach those on the streets, a desire to show them Love, the kind of love that we've been shown. I could go on to explain the lives changed through this movement, and I'm not talking about the lives of those on the streets, but the lives of us students as well! The friends we've made, the stories we've heard and shared, the support of the people in the community, people who pray for us every week and support us financially. Man this thing has grown far past anything me or my two friends ever envisioned it to. My point is this, When God puts something on my heart I follow, and so when the fruit of my obedience grows into something I could never have accomplished myself, I can't take credit for it. God leads me to paths I would never take myself and man am I thankful because there is no way that my life would be where it is without him. 

In their hearts humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps. Proverbs 16:9 

The Grace on Dirt

The thing about the Past is that we often never get passed it.

I recall talking to my friend and saying "Satan flings my past in my face like it was a sport" 
But truly I believe it's true. The enemy loves having dirt on you, its like he's running a smear campaign during your election, or posting in tabloids about celebrity gossip. He loves bringing you down, digging up dirt, making you question who you are now. He loves burying you in the faults of your past. But here's the thing about the past, its like compost, its made up of some stuff that's pretty rotten and stinks pretty bad, but put it on a plant and it grows faster and stronger. So our past can make us stronger individuals, it can make us grow and learn from our mistakes if we let it. The thing I always remember is this:  if you are still living in your past, if it's still weighing you down, you really haven't grasped the concept of Grace. Because the truth is I look at my past and to say it was a mess is possibly the understatement of the century, and although I know I'm a different person, I do still have moments that I mess up and I have come to realize
Christ's Grace is sufficient 
For Who I Was
For Who I Am
And For Who I Will Become

and if I remember that, no smear campaign or tabloid is ever going to bring me down, because the fact that the enemy has "dirt" on me proves my life has changed. It points to the growth, the strength that God has shown me everyday leading up until now and all I can do is point back to the Grace that made that change possible.

But he said to me. " My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."                     2 Corinthians 12:9

My Core

A core may often be the least visible part, but it is one of the most influential.
The core of us humans defines who we are. We often would like to think that at our core we are good, but that is not the case, our hearts are sick and often have desires that override us. Our desires ripple out into everything we do and everything we are. 
So I did some self-examination as what was at my core, what was the biggest desire or craving. And truth to be told, It was to be Admired. I used to desire people to admire me for what I looked like, for my talents or skills or future career. I wanted to be admired for all these shallow reasons that frankly were about 2 inches deep. But lately, there has been a rather drastic change. I still seek to be admired, but I also understand that I am,  in fact extremely admired, not only that but also Adored; in fact, Jesus Christ thinks I’m to Die for. No seriously. And that's enough. Also I have decided that if I am to be admired for one thing, I want it to be for the way Christ’s love radiates through me. I want that to be my core. I want Christ's love to ripple out into my thoughts words and actions. I want my greatest desire to be a  desire a deeper love: one inspired by Christ's love for me, one that causes ripples that unmistakably reflects and radiates the love of Christ to all those who know me.  

As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Abide in my love. If you keep my commandments, you will abide in my love, just as I have kept my Father's commandments and abide in his love. These things I have spoken to you, that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full. "this is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends. 
John 15:9-12